How's LIFE?

i had been missing for quite some time.

i shut down myself from everyone. deactivated FB, twitter, whatsapp, ignoring calls & text, and ppl.

but now i'm back i guess.

i hated everyone, i was so pissed off with everybody around me for no reason. when i said everybody and everyone, i mean it. but it wasn't the real me. so now i feel sorry for those I hurt without realizing.

so what happen actually?

i'm not sure. i will give excuse cuz the drugs that i had been taking. maybe.

but i needed some time alone for myself.

my head was a mess. going to see GP every 2 weeks, walking down to hospital, seeing different nurses, and had to explain every single thing again and again are really tiring.

i hated hospitals. and the fact that I had to go alone. and just me. im always the youngest patient whenever i go to the hospital . and this made me stress.
most patients at the Rheumatology Department are old people. older than Tok. some can walk , some cant and they use wheel chair. i saw deformed joints at the leg and fingers. and of course that scared me off!!!

so these are the most frustrating things that happened in my life.

i'm not really complaining here, if you don't like what you are reading, read no further.

i'm still grateful I still have my family and some friends that are supporting me.

but some people can be such a jerk. they are so mean and just mean and sooooo mean!
i don't blame them but God is fair, so i wish one day they know and understand what I had to go through.

someone said i'm such a whimp and weakling!. and i have the body of an old lady, and my skin is so bad and ugly recently! and some LAUGH and think it is funny. REAL FUNNY TO have PAIN !!!

so how do I feel?

obviously MAD and SAD! and FURIOUS! and I wanted to bitch slap them!

but ok SABAR. in the end i just cried and felt low and i felt like i don't want to live anymore. and i just hated everybody.

they don't understand. so ok i shouldn't blame them. but still why are they so mean and think it is funny?
well God is fair right. i still wish one day they get to feel it too. i sound mean but they do deserve it.
no i m not wishing them to be a better person. they just don't deserve good prayers.

what kind of human can be happy by seeing other people's suffering?

sick mean ppl which dont deserve to live.

ok i sound pissed. i am. well i was.

but then life has to go on . thats why I am still alive!

so i had been thinking, what the hell am I suppose to do? what about the pain everyday?

so ive listed out in my mind which I did wrote them down last week on a piece of paper.

1. ignore ppl who use religious excuse to preach me.
-i do appreciate it but i dont really like it.
-if you preach me but you said such mean things to me, you should go to hell !
- but i dont mean ignore ppl, as in ignore them when they started to preach religious matter.
-ok i know this pain is just a test from God. but please...just stop preaching! it is so annoying !
-by preaching me wont stop me from gettting pain 24/7
-i will be patience but i cant listen when everyone start telling me to be patience. it is complicated.
-i can be really stubborn.
-and please stop giving me religious links to read or youtube ceramah. i wont open it.
-thanks for helping though.

2. cut friendship those who made a joke of me
-like seriously why do I even need these kind of mean people in my life
- they don't deserve to be called friends and of course no exceptional to family

3. I'll do whatever I want to satisfy myself and make me happy
-sounds selfish? yes. i cn be.
-of course, i must not do something against religion that can make God angry.
-for example : i went GLIDING last Sunday. I just want to do something different and I LOVE IT! every moment when I was on air. my instructor said I am natural and i learn fast <3 font="" nbsp="">
-and i had to tell them only after i went.sorrrryyy. cuz i know umi will get worried and panic -_-
it is not that scary when above 2000ft on air. it was amazing and awesome!
and i finally had to tell ayah and umi cuz nanti tak dapat berkat, tak baik la plak. hehe =p
-and i started baking every Thursday and gave the stuff that I bake to random ppl at the library.
-part of self therapy? maybe.
-im trying to make myself happy here.
- i love my public speaking society.
-i started joining art society, im going for the life drawing session soon. yess. drawing naked human.
i want to try it. cant do it in Malaysia because it is to obscene
-and im studying too much and reading research paper make me get headache!!! but i love biochemistry. and the fact that i change it to MEDICAL BIOCHEMISTRY! i did not regret it.

4. eat healthily
- i lost 4 kg. in one month. cuz of new drug that i took. cause diarrhea and vomiting and lost of appetite.
-im stopping on steroid drug that i had to take for 7 months..so yeaa no more water retention. so i wont look chubby. i will finally have face contour.
-i dont cook so how to eat healthy. im still trying to figure this out.

5. exercise
-ive been exercising 3 times a week.
-ada Xbox Kinect kan. but of course it comes with pain the next day. fast movement is always painful.

6. sleep well.
- i sleep almost 7.5 hours every night ! and every night i have weird dreams, and sometimes crazy nightmares.
-thats why i had a dream of hadi kena kejar dengan hantu pokok pisang. funny right? but so scary.
-my dreams seems so real most of the time and it is so hard to wake up and get into reality. i do get confused sometimes whats reality and whats not. just one of the side effect of the drug.

7. try to think positively and worry less
- hardest things to do!
- i cn force myself to think positively . but i get distracted, when ppl around me start giving negative thoughts. that can be solved. by ignoring ppl.
-ill try to worry less.
im worried about my final year. final year is so freaking hard!
so much stuff. biochemistry is amazing!!!
it is so interesting but not so when it comes to memorizing.

these are all in my lists.

i guess thats all i hv to write in my post this time.

i wish i have the mood to write blog everyday
but laziness always stop me.
oh well

i will update soon. i would rather update here than using FB.

fizah