I am too paranoid

This is probably a stupid thing for a student to buy. But when I bought it, was so impulse. too worried that I have gain some weight due to the fact that I am taking steroid hormone to reduce my pain.

Pain is fucking everyday. There is no life without pain right now.

YES I am complaining.

I got so pissed off when I m in pain, always.

I feel so irritated by people. and I 'm hating everyone.

I would rather avoid any social life and stay in my room.

Cant remember when is the last time I hang out with a group of people.

NHS is so sucks. Seriously the waiting list to see a specialist can be a year long. I 'll be dead by then.

I booked appointment to see GP from Tuesday to see doctor the other week on Friday. Seriously that is the only available slot. A & E--? Why not? I am not going to wait 4 hours at that place full of sick people.

Finally got to see GP yesterday and got a letter for extenuating circumstances form.
A form where if i fail my exam I wont need to resit because I am and was sick and my ability to study has been reduced. Make sense?

Please dont go see a male doctor. He was mean towards me. When to see him fro the first time because of ankle injury and knee pain,owh and he said it is nothing I 'll get better in few months. Seriously???
Then check when and checked with another doctor and she said NO you are not fine. Ok so thats how I went to do an XRay

Next week Ayah and Umi and berceretet all of them are coming.

My room is a mess.
Not always. Only sometimes.


P/s: If you dont like to read what I wrote here. You can click the RED with X button on top right.
I dont ask to read or find out about me. I do what I want and you what you want. NO. I dont accept advices. Advices = means sibuk jaga tepi kain orang , diri sendiri pun tak terurus.

I think I am depressed. maybe. or maybe.not.

I don't know.

I dont hate Biochemistry.

Recently. I actually bought the wrong book. I bought the 'Molecular Cell Biology' for £20.It is hardcover (green one). Guess how much is the red one,which I don't buy, it is from the Library. That is £55 and it is soft cover.

Molecular Biology of the Cell VS Molecular Cell Biology

It is fine because I am using both books but I'm using the Red book more than the Green book. 

I will face 6 papers. 
1. OCC   - Organisation and Communication in Cells
# I dont really like this unit. About HIV,glycosylation and some celluar signalling pathway. Trust me the pathway is crazy.
2. EMC   - Energy and Motion in Cells
# Photosynthesis is the worst ! I dont get it why I have to learn how to make Oxygen. I know we cant live without Oxygen but the process is super crazy with the structures and eznymes. Of course our body we have lots of intracellular signalling pathway. Kinesin, dyneins, myosin. and cytoskeletal dynamics, cell migration/division.
3. RDT    - Recombinant DNA Technology
# I'm enjoying learning this. DNA is just AMAZING !!! AMAZING !! You know DNA stuff and experiments. I dont mind doing extra reading for this.
4. GER    - Gene Expression and Rearrangements
#who said it is easy to make babies at DNA Level.
from DNA->mRNA->protein. This unit is just about making proteins. way crazy process. But it is cool. and there is one sectionon medical molecular genetics. more intersting.
5. PHAR 1A- Pharmacology 1A
#Autonomic System, Parasymathetic & Symphatetic. Just some basic drugs for homeostasis.
6. PHAR 1B - Pharmacology 1B
#More drugs I shall say. More diseases. More drugs. More disease. More drugs structures. and how drugs can become drugs that we can take. You cant just create drugs and sell it off. Long process weyh.

So overall, I think I am enjoying myself learning all these stuff.

I DO SO.

LOOK at the mess. I know my room is always a mess , but this time it is because of exams. hehe.

So how's life in Bristol?

Ok. Living and enjoying every moment.
Have you seen this? <3 a="" bristol="" from="">
Just a short video from us after GE 13.

Look at how Hadi is totally ignoring me :(

I emailed my the head tutor about this one form and then tup every biochemist received this email.

Yes I am submitting the form. I am not taking advantage , ok well maybe I am. 

Here is my so not sympathic story.

Since November, I really love to kiss the floor. I mean fell down. I cant remember how many time I fell. But probably an average of 1 or 2 per day. I did not suspect anything serious as the road in Bristol is not that smooth, uphill and downhill and the wind likes to push me. I am not that heavy =p and so by the end of November I fell and sprain my ankle TWICE in 2 days, fell down with NO reasons at all. The second time I fell down, I was saved and carried by random people as I cant even step on. Went to A&E and did X-ray and all I got was a leaflet on how to treat sprain ankle. No drugs at all as I am allergic to all types of painkiller. I went to private Physiotherapy which cost me £300. Why not NHS? because I have to wait 2 months for the first appointment.
Then around December, after it got really COLD, I always had this stiffness every night and early morning. Still I didnot suspect anything. I went sliding on the day it was snowing heavily in Bristol. The pain was worse than before but I thought it was just normal. It went on around February with the pain everyday, until I realized my leg became fat, maybe it is just me. But my knee was always hot when everything else was cold including myself. SO went to see GP, when I told her about my knee pain I knew she wasn't paying attention and thought that she might think I'm just another paranoid girl. Until, she asked me any history of rheumatoid arthritis? YES, my mum. Then only I had to lie down on the bed and be half naked as I need to strip halfway down in order to see my leg properly and do weird movements. I was asked to do X-ray and blood test. Took 2 days to settle that. and only got to see the Doctor a week after. Blood test came out good as no inflammatory marker. Xray result, wasn't that good :(
I asked her more than once ''what is wrong with my knee?''. The only answer I got was '' I 'll refer you to Rheumatologist''. So that was when I started booking and got a session in MAY ! 
I mean seriously while waiting what should I do with the pain. was given Diclofenac, it wasn't helpful. more leg cramp and stiffness and started having breathing problem. I tried Codeine, in turn I slept the whole day doing nothing. My brain just stop functioning.
One day, I decided to check my appointment and tup they moved it to 3rd July. THE HECK!!! 
that was when I knew I just need to go back Malaysia and get medical treatment. Pain since November 2012 and I have to wait more than 6 months without drugs. I know I am so paranoid and my pain tolerance is low and so mengada. Lots of people are in more worse condition than me. 
But at that moment, I was thinking what if it is something bad actually? Better get early diagnose. I get more paranoid because I learnt about diseases and cancer.
I should thank AYAH and UMI for bringing me back. Last minute plan. bought flight tickets 2 days before. I just dont care at that time even if I was studying and preparing for exams, had all plan laid out what to study everyday. BOOM, when back Malaysia make new study plans. Went to see Dr Pakar at KPJ :))
I was right ! There are lots of inflammation at my joints when we used Ultrasound. went MRI. Got shot at the butt and knee and I'm on drugs. Alhamdulillah I think I feel better now :) The pain is still there everyday but it is better than before. 

Probably this story make you think I am spoiled. Up to you. I care about my health ! ! ! and I know I am PARANOID ! 

Drugs I'm taking..not cool ! I don't like the side effects I'm having now. and of course the future side effect. Good thing is, these drugs will come out in my exam. heheh

The doctor said it is ' Undifferentiated Inflammatory Arthritis' but I think he is not sure. And it is not a final diagnose.

I know I am 22 years old. Yes, I am young !
I HATE people giving comments ' YOU ARE TOO YOUNG !!'
Idiots ! ! ! 
I know that.
Do you think I don't know how to count?
Do you think I ASK for this PAIN ?
Do you think I ASK to get this DISEASE??
I hate to explain to people when they asked me whats wrong with me? why cant you do this ? why cant you do that? why do you like to complaint about PAIN? why cant you tahan the pain? why ? why? pain is only a bit so why so merengek?

I had people in my life who laughed off at me because off my leg problem. even in Bristol.
To get arthritis at young age. wth?
Do you know how I feel ???
down.
I wish I can just die and don't live. 
But I'm not doing something suicidal .that is stupid. I wish God wont pull away my nyawa until ive properly done my taubat. Takut mati ok. Dosa banyak lagi.

I know I'm 22 . I know how the drugs work in my body as I am a biomedial student, sort of. I am not saying I am better than the doctor. Why am I so paranoid about the drug I am taking.
whats the point I'm learning these stuff at Uni when people said just take and believe everything what the doctor said.so what am I learning in Uni ?

I do not ask to get this problem. I am trying to accept that it is God s test for me. 
I am trying ok. 

I think I have troubled everyone in my life. 
I've troubled Ayah and Umi. 
I'm just a troublesome.
I'm weak and I cant tolerate a bit of pain :(

I want to say sorry to everyone especially Bristolians of my merengek. I don't mean to disturb them by my complaint when I'm in pain. Maybe I did trouble some people too much.
I cant even carry heavy luggage. 
During MCS, I've troubled the committee and asked them to come to my house to do meeting because I just cant walk to go to the library.

Now I have to reduce my EGO.
I know I have high ego. If i can carry stuff on my ego even if it is too heavy I like to do it on my own rather than asking a guy to do it. it happened before in Bristol. and I've been labelled a girl with high ego. pretty dramatic situation I can say.

Right now, I 'm planning to avoid people. Avoid people at any cost !!!
No I don't hate people.!
I think I'll trouble people and I know they look at me in a different way because of this pain problem.

I do want to delete my FB account but I cant because I need to know societies stuff. My twitter, I talk craps and nonsense.

If I study at Uni I will go to this lab.

No one is always there. I think not everyone know this place. The Biochemistry Computer Lab. Only Biochemists are allowed to use this but whenever I went there it was always me . only me. 

Nahh. my relationship with the matsalleh in my coursemate = 0.

Because I wear Tudung so they dont layan me.

I don't really care. I do feel a bit pressured as it feels like discrimination. to wear scarf and no one will talk to you. No one. No one . No one. No one. No one. No one.

Alone? for almost 2 years? YES. 

Because I'm the only ODD one. I cant mix around because I wear tudung. I dont blame my tudung. But really? Sometimes to be honest.

I don't think I'm wearing because of God s order. I don't feel it yet.
Can I actually say this?

Who do I ask when I need help? No one. I settle my tutorials on my own. most submitted empty answers.

Tutorials & Discussions. in big groups. No one talk to me. I'm the ODD one. ODD one. ODD. ODD.ODD .ODD.

Pressured? after few tutorial sessions, I nearly cried during one tutorial, because I tried to make friend with people but I've been rejected ! 
At that moment I thought I was too ugly. Maybe.
I cant discuss anything about coursework.

It is not like I don't try to talk to my course mates but I've tried. it just that I am the ODD one. 

I am the only Malaysian doing this course. The only Malaysian.

I have lots of pictures with international students because I socialize with BISC ( Bristol International Student Centre ). But I don't get to see them or ask them about my course because most of them are Master students. They are my friends but we only hang out sometimes.

I know this post might have make family members shock and surprise.
Am I stressed with exams? YES.
I missed lots of morning lectures last term because of morning stiffness. I don't plan to not go. But I hate walking at that time. 
So now I have to do lots of cover up T_T
Surviving !!!

But sometimes I wish people around me would understand how I feel. 

I should be grateful with what I have

I am SO surprised with NHS ! I know NHS is really good but..I am so dissapointed.

I have booked appointment with Specialist in February, and can only get the session on 2nd May.

Then, they moved it to 3rd  June.

Owh and now, opss they cancelled the session and I can only get to see the Specialist on 12th July.

This is the reason why I had to go back to Malaysia last month.
My case is not that serious but if I have to wait any longer it will become serious.
Alhamdulillah I got the treatment that I needed back home and I am fine now.

ARggghh I should just make a drama the other day when they sent me to E&A but that wouldn't be good because maybe someone need it more than me.

But, NHS just make me sooo sad. 

 I am so grateful and blessed because Umi can get me back home and I've got the treatment!

Thank you UMI <3 nbsp="">

exam nak dekat lagi 2 weeks ! so mesti la rajin!