What am I doing?

it is 5.16 am. nope. i'm not awake because of Subuh. I've been awake. 
Around 8 pm, I decided to drink MILO and not just one cup but two cups. then ratah milo lagi dua paket. because I was hungry a bit. I ate rice with egg and serunding before that..
maybe that's the reason why I couldn't sleep.

or maybe

cuz I am so MADDDDDD !!!!

I AM JUST SO MAD!!

came back yesterday, balik2 buka petiais nak cari salmon sebab nak makan, and eh pelik kenapa petiais tak sejuk and berair je. OMGGGG, the freezer tak beku!!!
Salmon jadi cokelat, brocoli macam sup je jadi, blood everywhere.
Darah babi ada , darah ayam ada. KULAT, BACTERIA, kaler hijau ada cokelat ada.
teringat ni nak termuntah bueeeeeeeeeeeeekkk

and took me the whole evening to clean up.
memang la lama, sebab satu peti ais ok.
kena tuang barang dengan hati-hati sebab tak nak air jatuh lantai.
tapi fail jugak. sour cream tumpah. ewwwwwwwwwww
sour cream ada fungi.

hey, let me remind i'm a biochemist. i play with fungi and bacterias and my kind of organisms in the lab, so i know their structure and what they do and how disgusting they can be.
so thats why it make me bueeeeeeeeeeeek and gedik lebih bab2 nak cuci fungi ni
GELIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!
And I dont want to inhale those stuff sebab nanti masuk lung and infection. ntah bacteria apa ada masa tu. dah la ada bacon. lagi la banyak bacteria !!
i dont react like geli-ish in the lab sebab dalam lab smua hygenice condition.
ada gloves, lab coat, fume cupbord and protector bagai.

Can you see the FUNGUS?? of course NO! Dh camera x clear

this area was worse. 3 tingkat . 1st penuh dengan darah, bertakung. 2nd x penuh dengan darah ada la sikit. tapi ada daging babi je. 3rd nasiib baik kering. you see there , i drop the sour cream.

i know you would say i'm such a whiner and mengada. it is easy to clean up.
hell no!
it is not easy. smua barang berat. dekat 8 plastic sampah biru yg amalysia punya, umi bawakkn.
but what made me so mad.
cuz hari tu umi datang baru beli groceries dengan umi. dekat 100 GBP jugak la masa tu , or maybe more than that.
masa buang2 makanan  tu. YaAllah membazir gila..rasanya boleh kata dekat 150 GBP. 
kenapa banyak sangat?
sebab stock 3 bulan.
and I dont buy supermarkets punya brand. thats why .not all my stuff ada chop tesco /asda /sainsbury. i mean bukan smua la x der brand sainsbury. i love sainsbury biscuit. but i prefer morrison pnya pisang than sainsbury. pisang sainsbur slalu tak masak and kena tunggu lama baru masak.
this is my way.eg. ada pasta sauce 37 p from morrison , and dekat sainsbury they hv very good italian brand on sale for 1 GBP. harga asal 3 ++. so i will take the italian brand. The morrison punya rasa pelik. macam air and very liquidish. the other one thick pasta paste.
so this apply to pizza and mayonese and other foods.

so now do i have a valid reason to get MAD/ SAD/ ANGRY??

and TADA!!

peti ais dh kosong. tu masa belum cuci. i think samak the whole fridge, for some reason i feel like the fridge is freaking contagious.
i couldnt find kitchen cleaner, so lantak pi la , amek je bathroom cleaner, so it smells like toilet kejap.
so esok kena letak uncang teh utk bagi serap bau

so petiais ni rosak sebab apa?
hrmm. actually baru jer found out peti ais ni tak rosak. 
someone secara tidak sengaja oor accident or dengan sengaja demi menjimatkan tenaga elektik tertekan button to 0 which is OFF .

i'm not accusing anyone. BUT the button cant move on its own.
4 suspects in the house.
UMI (cuz Umi was here), me , vicky, akifa.
Umi doesnt even knw the switch and me too! i have no idea there is a switch dekat belah2 atas cuz i'm short duuh..
so now left with 2 suspects.
can I pinjam sherlock holmes kejap please?

I hope I will cool down before they get back after New Year, cuz if not I'll get so mad and I would not be able to control myself.
i hate it when this happen :(

fizah.

ChurpChurp?

Heyyy there's something different about the #ChurpChurp site! #TheNewChurp2 http://my.sharings.cc/p/66rKE

UMI IS HERE!

So Umi has been here since last 2 weeks or so. to visit me :))

do you know the feeling when you get back from lectures and lab from 9-5 and there is  food at home ready for you to eat?

YES i have been spoiled. i did not cook at all since umi got here. kalo nak tolong umi asyik kena maarah and kena bebel so baik duduk diam2.

we didnt go anywhere besides shopping at cabot and we went to clarks village. abg alias and kakros bawakkan. umi got herself 3 pairs of shoes!! 3 pairs ok! i only got one.

from left nuha, abg alias, umi and kak ros

this is the heels that i want but sadly i cant wear heels anymore T_T

I wanted to get Boots tapi umi bagi and at the same time umi cakap I'll be here for another 5 months. so it is not worth it.

sebab the boots that I want is GBP 80.00 .it is already half price duhh. was GBP 160.

for me shoes are always good investment. cuz we walk everyday. you cant buy cheap shoes. and wear the same shoes for a long time and for every occasions. most of the shoes that I bought during my first year ,dah rosak dah pun. the tapak dah haus sebab jalan banyak sangat and tapak bocor. those are Clarks and Rieker but probably cuz I walk a lot. now I really need new boots. i hate it when it is raining and my socks get wet. it is annoying.

this is the Timberland Boots that I want. yurp GBP 80but i love it. tapi tak jadi beli la sbb dh mahal

so shopping with umi is awesome! 

I am broke actually so thats why this time it is awesome hehehe

The day before we went to Clarks Village, we had a short visit to London , stayed one night at Izati's place.

at Paddington Station.

i realized that I've seen lots of this square thingy in London

it was only a short visit since Umi nak jumpa kawan umi from US.

the thing is, Umi ni banyak sangat kawan, rasa macam dunia ni sangat kecik.

nasib baik la anak lecturer tak ramai sangat kat UK kalo tak mesti Umi nak lawat smua anak2 kawan umi . hehe.

i dont mind i like jalan-jalan . tapi kesian kat Umi sebab Umi asyik penat. and Umi is too nice to people, which make me annoyed most of the time.

yes you will be reading this Umi, but I LOVE YOU <3 font="">

Today is 21st December, we are now back in London staying at Berjaya Hotel, Bayswater.

The room looks cosy right?

We are staying at the hotel that we used to stay 8 years ago. 8 years ago when I was in Form 3.

during that time bilik kecik nak mampos. but at least this is comfy enough. and there are lots of spaces compare to last time. Ayah cant even fit himself into the shower. owh and now we have a bath tub! 

Umi is going back on 25th December on Xmas Day.so we'll be in London smpai that day.

I am so sad :(

 but it is okay. Tomorrow we are going to Oxford Street!! buat apa lagi kalo bukan SHOPPING !!

I still need to find new boots for this coming winter and new sport shoes. harap2 ada sale.

:))

adios

fizah.

My favourite websites

What are the top websites i always visit.

1. 9GAG - i can scroll down my 9gag app on my phone and get stuck for more than 2 hours. so thats why I would rather not open it after 10 pm. nanti tido lewat.

2. PININTEREST.
this is my link - http://www.pinterest.com/fizah2hhbunga/
basically they have lots of cute pictures of crafts and flowers and DIY stuff. I just Love it <3 font="" nbsp="">

3. CURTZY http://www.curtzy.com/ 
I found a new pretty site for arts supplies!!! knitting /cake decorating / jewellery making.
i would love to get some stuff from this site.


4. SHOPPING SITES

http://www.gogroopie.com 
this site really has lots and lots of deals ! you can continue scrolling and scrolling. but there is a catch..there is no free delivery. so you have to add up more money actually. usually more than £4.

https://local.amazon.co.uk 
www.groupon.co.uk
i've been buying lots of stuff from here.
and even bought prague flight + accomodation from here. really cheap deal !
I'm planning to go somewhere in Europe again by buying Groupon Voucher.

https://www.livingsocial.com

i have to say Ebay.co.uk and Amazon.co.uk are tempat menghabiskan duit also.

If let say malas nak pegi city centre , then cari jer online .


tapi ingat jangan membazir.

peace.

my special place at the library

The Uni has a special room for special people

and i can get access to the room. the chairs are much more comfy than the plastic chair outside as in the whole library building.

the table can be adjusted and the computer too. and they hv special mouse. and it is just special cuz not everyone can use it :)

fizah

How's LIFE?

i had been missing for quite some time.

i shut down myself from everyone. deactivated FB, twitter, whatsapp, ignoring calls & text, and ppl.

but now i'm back i guess.

i hated everyone, i was so pissed off with everybody around me for no reason. when i said everybody and everyone, i mean it. but it wasn't the real me. so now i feel sorry for those I hurt without realizing.

so what happen actually?

i'm not sure. i will give excuse cuz the drugs that i had been taking. maybe.

but i needed some time alone for myself.

my head was a mess. going to see GP every 2 weeks, walking down to hospital, seeing different nurses, and had to explain every single thing again and again are really tiring.

i hated hospitals. and the fact that I had to go alone. and just me. im always the youngest patient whenever i go to the hospital . and this made me stress.
most patients at the Rheumatology Department are old people. older than Tok. some can walk , some cant and they use wheel chair. i saw deformed joints at the leg and fingers. and of course that scared me off!!!

so these are the most frustrating things that happened in my life.

i'm not really complaining here, if you don't like what you are reading, read no further.

i'm still grateful I still have my family and some friends that are supporting me.

but some people can be such a jerk. they are so mean and just mean and sooooo mean!
i don't blame them but God is fair, so i wish one day they know and understand what I had to go through.

someone said i'm such a whimp and weakling!. and i have the body of an old lady, and my skin is so bad and ugly recently! and some LAUGH and think it is funny. REAL FUNNY TO have PAIN !!!

so how do I feel?

obviously MAD and SAD! and FURIOUS! and I wanted to bitch slap them!

but ok SABAR. in the end i just cried and felt low and i felt like i don't want to live anymore. and i just hated everybody.

they don't understand. so ok i shouldn't blame them. but still why are they so mean and think it is funny?
well God is fair right. i still wish one day they get to feel it too. i sound mean but they do deserve it.
no i m not wishing them to be a better person. they just don't deserve good prayers.

what kind of human can be happy by seeing other people's suffering?

sick mean ppl which dont deserve to live.

ok i sound pissed. i am. well i was.

but then life has to go on . thats why I am still alive!

so i had been thinking, what the hell am I suppose to do? what about the pain everyday?

so ive listed out in my mind which I did wrote them down last week on a piece of paper.

1. ignore ppl who use religious excuse to preach me.
-i do appreciate it but i dont really like it.
-if you preach me but you said such mean things to me, you should go to hell !
- but i dont mean ignore ppl, as in ignore them when they started to preach religious matter.
-ok i know this pain is just a test from God. but please...just stop preaching! it is so annoying !
-by preaching me wont stop me from gettting pain 24/7
-i will be patience but i cant listen when everyone start telling me to be patience. it is complicated.
-i can be really stubborn.
-and please stop giving me religious links to read or youtube ceramah. i wont open it.
-thanks for helping though.

2. cut friendship those who made a joke of me
-like seriously why do I even need these kind of mean people in my life
- they don't deserve to be called friends and of course no exceptional to family

3. I'll do whatever I want to satisfy myself and make me happy
-sounds selfish? yes. i cn be.
-of course, i must not do something against religion that can make God angry.
-for example : i went GLIDING last Sunday. I just want to do something different and I LOVE IT! every moment when I was on air. my instructor said I am natural and i learn fast <3 font="" nbsp="">
-and i had to tell them only after i went.sorrrryyy. cuz i know umi will get worried and panic -_-
it is not that scary when above 2000ft on air. it was amazing and awesome!
and i finally had to tell ayah and umi cuz nanti tak dapat berkat, tak baik la plak. hehe =p
-and i started baking every Thursday and gave the stuff that I bake to random ppl at the library.
-part of self therapy? maybe.
-im trying to make myself happy here.
- i love my public speaking society.
-i started joining art society, im going for the life drawing session soon. yess. drawing naked human.
i want to try it. cant do it in Malaysia because it is to obscene
-and im studying too much and reading research paper make me get headache!!! but i love biochemistry. and the fact that i change it to MEDICAL BIOCHEMISTRY! i did not regret it.

4. eat healthily
- i lost 4 kg. in one month. cuz of new drug that i took. cause diarrhea and vomiting and lost of appetite.
-im stopping on steroid drug that i had to take for 7 months..so yeaa no more water retention. so i wont look chubby. i will finally have face contour.
-i dont cook so how to eat healthy. im still trying to figure this out.

5. exercise
-ive been exercising 3 times a week.
-ada Xbox Kinect kan. but of course it comes with pain the next day. fast movement is always painful.

6. sleep well.
- i sleep almost 7.5 hours every night ! and every night i have weird dreams, and sometimes crazy nightmares.
-thats why i had a dream of hadi kena kejar dengan hantu pokok pisang. funny right? but so scary.
-my dreams seems so real most of the time and it is so hard to wake up and get into reality. i do get confused sometimes whats reality and whats not. just one of the side effect of the drug.

7. try to think positively and worry less
- hardest things to do!
- i cn force myself to think positively . but i get distracted, when ppl around me start giving negative thoughts. that can be solved. by ignoring ppl.
-ill try to worry less.
im worried about my final year. final year is so freaking hard!
so much stuff. biochemistry is amazing!!!
it is so interesting but not so when it comes to memorizing.

these are all in my lists.

i guess thats all i hv to write in my post this time.

i wish i have the mood to write blog everyday
but laziness always stop me.
oh well

i will update soon. i would rather update here than using FB.

fizah

i am tired.

i'm scared for my final year

like really scared until i want to PUKE!

I had a friend visited me from Italy. Her name is Greta. I met her at BISC. She taught me how to cook Spagetti. I think most Italian I met always think the way how British people cook paste is wrong. I used to have a bunch of Italian friends I met at BISC and they always complaint about British food. I though I hate British food. I don’t mind eating pizza, fish and chips or sandwich but I do agree most of the food are ‘dull’ just like the weather. Weather in UK is always shitty. When it is sunny, matsalleh said it is nice, but I don’t think so, cuz it hot!! I would wear umbrella, but matsalleh will laugh. They said usually chinese people wear umbrella on hot day. I don’t want people to stare at me.

Back to Greta, she finished her Erasmus. She went back to Italy around Jun, but she came back just to visit and say goodbyes. I didn’t get to see her in July before she left, and Im really glad she came and visit even if it is for a night.

Nak nanges masa dia balik. I know it will be the last time I get to see her ever.

Like I said before I don’t really make friends in my class. I met random people at BISC and most of them are matured students, either they are Erasmus or Master students. So my relationship, I mean friendship last for a year only. Not that I don’t contact them after they left. But only on FB. And it is all about saying hi and hello and hows life.

I’m starting to hate Bristol . cuz life here is bored. There is no family one thing. And some ok not some but most or probably all matsalleh I met in school are sombong hidung tinggi.

I hated my labs! I hated my tutorials! I don’t hate my course, ok maybe I did.

I am 22 !

9th August 1991

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9th August 2013

No celebration.no cakes. just birthday wishes.

10th August . went to Bristol Balloon Festival.

Fasting 19 hours

Not that bad.
If I just stay inside the house and do nothing. Summer here is super duper hot.ok neraka lagi pana.
I plan to cook everyday and make or bake some kuih .plan.
First day of buka puasa, I boiled hot dogs and eat with rice and ketchup. Too tired cuz was cleaning the house.
Second day of puasa , hotdog again but with potatoes and carrot.
I also made bubur jagung.
My bubur jagung is always sedap.huehue

My new house

Wanna see my new house?

It is a flat at 3rd floor. The stairs are fine. It is not too high. The area is a good area. Not too far from uni and not too near. But most importantly it is not so noisy since it is not park street and not anywhere near city centre. Luckily it is quite near the Big Sainsbury. And they are going to open up Morrison. So yeaaa. We have 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, kitchen and living room. This house has huge living room compare to my house last year. I hated the living room. It is always neat and small and i dont feel like home.
Im using the smallest room.it is only £340 per month. Last year I had to pay £395 per month. All these without bills yet. So £55 does make a big difference. I cn use tht money for society. Nak join gliding la after this.
So here goes :

Carboot

So I went to carboot last sunday. I wanted to get a study table and i dont knw. See what I like and buy it hehe. Eleh. But Umi pesan duvet cadar bagai. So hasilnya 4 set . Kinda cheap i think i only spend £15 altogether.
And i found myself two nice baskets. I have put my arts stuff inside there rather than my old shoe boxes. Well i hink i need one more nice basket. I still hv some stuff that couldnt fit. Maybe i need another 3. Hehe
I am staying alone in my new house. ALONE.
Tak takut ke?
=_='
X takut tipu la kan.
Tapi x pe. Doa banyak2.

Fizah.

Nak emo

Emo emo emo emo

I found this amusing.

Dont you think so?

The machine make me happy. Unlimited cappucino , mocca and hot chocolates.

The cawan make me stupid. How am i suppose to hold the cup while drinking.

The lamp at the bed  is so cool even it looks old but it is a pretty smart idea.

Wow

Finally i cn post blog using my samsungs3 through app.
Im noob so i just use chrome usually and it is hard and leceh most of the time.
Hey but this is so cool. I guess i cn write more. Im with my phone more than with people =_=''

Currently at Copanhagen now. Umi is having a Conference.
What am i doing here?
Menyibuk ikut for free la hehe.

I am too paranoid

This is probably a stupid thing for a student to buy. But when I bought it, was so impulse. too worried that I have gain some weight due to the fact that I am taking steroid hormone to reduce my pain.

Pain is fucking everyday. There is no life without pain right now.

YES I am complaining.

I got so pissed off when I m in pain, always.

I feel so irritated by people. and I 'm hating everyone.

I would rather avoid any social life and stay in my room.

Cant remember when is the last time I hang out with a group of people.

NHS is so sucks. Seriously the waiting list to see a specialist can be a year long. I 'll be dead by then.

I booked appointment to see GP from Tuesday to see doctor the other week on Friday. Seriously that is the only available slot. A & E--? Why not? I am not going to wait 4 hours at that place full of sick people.

Finally got to see GP yesterday and got a letter for extenuating circumstances form.
A form where if i fail my exam I wont need to resit because I am and was sick and my ability to study has been reduced. Make sense?

Please dont go see a male doctor. He was mean towards me. When to see him fro the first time because of ankle injury and knee pain,owh and he said it is nothing I 'll get better in few months. Seriously???
Then check when and checked with another doctor and she said NO you are not fine. Ok so thats how I went to do an XRay

Next week Ayah and Umi and berceretet all of them are coming.

My room is a mess.
Not always. Only sometimes.


P/s: If you dont like to read what I wrote here. You can click the RED with X button on top right.
I dont ask to read or find out about me. I do what I want and you what you want. NO. I dont accept advices. Advices = means sibuk jaga tepi kain orang , diri sendiri pun tak terurus.

I think I am depressed. maybe. or maybe.not.

I don't know.

I dont hate Biochemistry.

Recently. I actually bought the wrong book. I bought the 'Molecular Cell Biology' for £20.It is hardcover (green one). Guess how much is the red one,which I don't buy, it is from the Library. That is £55 and it is soft cover.

Molecular Biology of the Cell VS Molecular Cell Biology

It is fine because I am using both books but I'm using the Red book more than the Green book. 

I will face 6 papers. 
1. OCC   - Organisation and Communication in Cells
# I dont really like this unit. About HIV,glycosylation and some celluar signalling pathway. Trust me the pathway is crazy.
2. EMC   - Energy and Motion in Cells
# Photosynthesis is the worst ! I dont get it why I have to learn how to make Oxygen. I know we cant live without Oxygen but the process is super crazy with the structures and eznymes. Of course our body we have lots of intracellular signalling pathway. Kinesin, dyneins, myosin. and cytoskeletal dynamics, cell migration/division.
3. RDT    - Recombinant DNA Technology
# I'm enjoying learning this. DNA is just AMAZING !!! AMAZING !! You know DNA stuff and experiments. I dont mind doing extra reading for this.
4. GER    - Gene Expression and Rearrangements
#who said it is easy to make babies at DNA Level.
from DNA->mRNA->protein. This unit is just about making proteins. way crazy process. But it is cool. and there is one sectionon medical molecular genetics. more intersting.
5. PHAR 1A- Pharmacology 1A
#Autonomic System, Parasymathetic & Symphatetic. Just some basic drugs for homeostasis.
6. PHAR 1B - Pharmacology 1B
#More drugs I shall say. More diseases. More drugs. More disease. More drugs structures. and how drugs can become drugs that we can take. You cant just create drugs and sell it off. Long process weyh.

So overall, I think I am enjoying myself learning all these stuff.

I DO SO.

LOOK at the mess. I know my room is always a mess , but this time it is because of exams. hehe.

So how's life in Bristol?

Ok. Living and enjoying every moment.
Have you seen this? <3 a="" bristol="" from="">
Just a short video from us after GE 13.

Look at how Hadi is totally ignoring me :(

I emailed my the head tutor about this one form and then tup every biochemist received this email.

Yes I am submitting the form. I am not taking advantage , ok well maybe I am. 

Here is my so not sympathic story.

Since November, I really love to kiss the floor. I mean fell down. I cant remember how many time I fell. But probably an average of 1 or 2 per day. I did not suspect anything serious as the road in Bristol is not that smooth, uphill and downhill and the wind likes to push me. I am not that heavy =p and so by the end of November I fell and sprain my ankle TWICE in 2 days, fell down with NO reasons at all. The second time I fell down, I was saved and carried by random people as I cant even step on. Went to A&E and did X-ray and all I got was a leaflet on how to treat sprain ankle. No drugs at all as I am allergic to all types of painkiller. I went to private Physiotherapy which cost me £300. Why not NHS? because I have to wait 2 months for the first appointment.
Then around December, after it got really COLD, I always had this stiffness every night and early morning. Still I didnot suspect anything. I went sliding on the day it was snowing heavily in Bristol. The pain was worse than before but I thought it was just normal. It went on around February with the pain everyday, until I realized my leg became fat, maybe it is just me. But my knee was always hot when everything else was cold including myself. SO went to see GP, when I told her about my knee pain I knew she wasn't paying attention and thought that she might think I'm just another paranoid girl. Until, she asked me any history of rheumatoid arthritis? YES, my mum. Then only I had to lie down on the bed and be half naked as I need to strip halfway down in order to see my leg properly and do weird movements. I was asked to do X-ray and blood test. Took 2 days to settle that. and only got to see the Doctor a week after. Blood test came out good as no inflammatory marker. Xray result, wasn't that good :(
I asked her more than once ''what is wrong with my knee?''. The only answer I got was '' I 'll refer you to Rheumatologist''. So that was when I started booking and got a session in MAY ! 
I mean seriously while waiting what should I do with the pain. was given Diclofenac, it wasn't helpful. more leg cramp and stiffness and started having breathing problem. I tried Codeine, in turn I slept the whole day doing nothing. My brain just stop functioning.
One day, I decided to check my appointment and tup they moved it to 3rd July. THE HECK!!! 
that was when I knew I just need to go back Malaysia and get medical treatment. Pain since November 2012 and I have to wait more than 6 months without drugs. I know I am so paranoid and my pain tolerance is low and so mengada. Lots of people are in more worse condition than me. 
But at that moment, I was thinking what if it is something bad actually? Better get early diagnose. I get more paranoid because I learnt about diseases and cancer.
I should thank AYAH and UMI for bringing me back. Last minute plan. bought flight tickets 2 days before. I just dont care at that time even if I was studying and preparing for exams, had all plan laid out what to study everyday. BOOM, when back Malaysia make new study plans. Went to see Dr Pakar at KPJ :))
I was right ! There are lots of inflammation at my joints when we used Ultrasound. went MRI. Got shot at the butt and knee and I'm on drugs. Alhamdulillah I think I feel better now :) The pain is still there everyday but it is better than before. 

Probably this story make you think I am spoiled. Up to you. I care about my health ! ! ! and I know I am PARANOID ! 

Drugs I'm taking..not cool ! I don't like the side effects I'm having now. and of course the future side effect. Good thing is, these drugs will come out in my exam. heheh

The doctor said it is ' Undifferentiated Inflammatory Arthritis' but I think he is not sure. And it is not a final diagnose.

I know I am 22 years old. Yes, I am young !
I HATE people giving comments ' YOU ARE TOO YOUNG !!'
Idiots ! ! ! 
I know that.
Do you think I don't know how to count?
Do you think I ASK for this PAIN ?
Do you think I ASK to get this DISEASE??
I hate to explain to people when they asked me whats wrong with me? why cant you do this ? why cant you do that? why do you like to complaint about PAIN? why cant you tahan the pain? why ? why? pain is only a bit so why so merengek?

I had people in my life who laughed off at me because off my leg problem. even in Bristol.
To get arthritis at young age. wth?
Do you know how I feel ???
down.
I wish I can just die and don't live. 
But I'm not doing something suicidal .that is stupid. I wish God wont pull away my nyawa until ive properly done my taubat. Takut mati ok. Dosa banyak lagi.

I know I'm 22 . I know how the drugs work in my body as I am a biomedial student, sort of. I am not saying I am better than the doctor. Why am I so paranoid about the drug I am taking.
whats the point I'm learning these stuff at Uni when people said just take and believe everything what the doctor said.so what am I learning in Uni ?

I do not ask to get this problem. I am trying to accept that it is God s test for me. 
I am trying ok. 

I think I have troubled everyone in my life. 
I've troubled Ayah and Umi. 
I'm just a troublesome.
I'm weak and I cant tolerate a bit of pain :(

I want to say sorry to everyone especially Bristolians of my merengek. I don't mean to disturb them by my complaint when I'm in pain. Maybe I did trouble some people too much.
I cant even carry heavy luggage. 
During MCS, I've troubled the committee and asked them to come to my house to do meeting because I just cant walk to go to the library.

Now I have to reduce my EGO.
I know I have high ego. If i can carry stuff on my ego even if it is too heavy I like to do it on my own rather than asking a guy to do it. it happened before in Bristol. and I've been labelled a girl with high ego. pretty dramatic situation I can say.

Right now, I 'm planning to avoid people. Avoid people at any cost !!!
No I don't hate people.!
I think I'll trouble people and I know they look at me in a different way because of this pain problem.

I do want to delete my FB account but I cant because I need to know societies stuff. My twitter, I talk craps and nonsense.

If I study at Uni I will go to this lab.

No one is always there. I think not everyone know this place. The Biochemistry Computer Lab. Only Biochemists are allowed to use this but whenever I went there it was always me . only me. 

Nahh. my relationship with the matsalleh in my coursemate = 0.

Because I wear Tudung so they dont layan me.

I don't really care. I do feel a bit pressured as it feels like discrimination. to wear scarf and no one will talk to you. No one. No one . No one. No one. No one. No one.

Alone? for almost 2 years? YES. 

Because I'm the only ODD one. I cant mix around because I wear tudung. I dont blame my tudung. But really? Sometimes to be honest.

I don't think I'm wearing because of God s order. I don't feel it yet.
Can I actually say this?

Who do I ask when I need help? No one. I settle my tutorials on my own. most submitted empty answers.

Tutorials & Discussions. in big groups. No one talk to me. I'm the ODD one. ODD one. ODD. ODD.ODD .ODD.

Pressured? after few tutorial sessions, I nearly cried during one tutorial, because I tried to make friend with people but I've been rejected ! 
At that moment I thought I was too ugly. Maybe.
I cant discuss anything about coursework.

It is not like I don't try to talk to my course mates but I've tried. it just that I am the ODD one. 

I am the only Malaysian doing this course. The only Malaysian.

I have lots of pictures with international students because I socialize with BISC ( Bristol International Student Centre ). But I don't get to see them or ask them about my course because most of them are Master students. They are my friends but we only hang out sometimes.

I know this post might have make family members shock and surprise.
Am I stressed with exams? YES.
I missed lots of morning lectures last term because of morning stiffness. I don't plan to not go. But I hate walking at that time. 
So now I have to do lots of cover up T_T
Surviving !!!

But sometimes I wish people around me would understand how I feel. 

I should be grateful with what I have

I am SO surprised with NHS ! I know NHS is really good but..I am so dissapointed.

I have booked appointment with Specialist in February, and can only get the session on 2nd May.

Then, they moved it to 3rd  June.

Owh and now, opss they cancelled the session and I can only get to see the Specialist on 12th July.

This is the reason why I had to go back to Malaysia last month.
My case is not that serious but if I have to wait any longer it will become serious.
Alhamdulillah I got the treatment that I needed back home and I am fine now.

ARggghh I should just make a drama the other day when they sent me to E&A but that wouldn't be good because maybe someone need it more than me.

But, NHS just make me sooo sad. 

 I am so grateful and blessed because Umi can get me back home and I've got the treatment!

Thank you UMI <3 nbsp="">

exam nak dekat lagi 2 weeks ! so mesti la rajin!

Summer edi?

Assalamualaikum

Yesterday I decided kononnya to finish up the whole book.

DAMN TIPU!

I managed to read 70 % only!

only READ not study. to read is to understand what i will face soon. seems pretty interesting.

this is for Recombinant DNA Technology.

It is a pretty cool subject. Sometime it makes you feel as if you are God trying to change or create something which is can be good or maybe not good. who knows. 

Make sense?

most of the materials are yet known.

haha

 ada cloning cloning cloning banyak. you know boleh buat kaki lalat ada mata. get it?

So then petang tu tengok luar kejap hujan kejap panas, ajak la Hana Reza pegi picnic.

panas ok! and haruslah muka ada 2 layer sunblock =p

Amar pun ikut skali

Hana and Amar , 1st year Medical Students. Diorang baru abes spring exam semalam so sudah boleh chillex. and mesti tengah qada tido dua tiga hari ni. seems normal kan.

and after that buat ice pop! untuk program solat hajat hari ni. usually kan pakai milo 3 in 1 . yang ini kena buat manual pakai susu pekat bagai. macam fail =_= . x pe la janji rasa milo and manis :)
bersyukur ok kat UK mana ada kedai jual milo ais pop!

i should use google +

just me

I think im unique and special
I love everyone

study?

 I have exam next week. Saja nak tunjuk this is my study place.ye my sarang hehe